I have never suffered from domestic violence, so I can not begin to imagine how those who have gone through it truly feel. However I have encountered numerous women and at least one man who have suffered domestic violence in the form of spousal abuse. I can not understand what makes them stay for years in such a relationship, all I know is that they have a very hard time breaking free of the overbearing, controlling relationship they have been in far too long.
I recently had dealings with the abusive ex-husband of a client. It gave me a bit of insight into the man’s conduct, and perhaps some of the reasoning behind their abusive conduct. It was a bit of an enlightening experience. I also had the opportunity to see him and his own mother together and realized he was controlled by his mother, and as a result he most likely needed to feel in control of something and satisfied that need by bullying women.
The second thing I noticed is an abusive man does not handle it well when they are unable to bully and intimidate a woman. The abuser tried to do this with me on the phone 2-3 times and I refused to comply with his demands. He was not our client. He was not who I worked for. So what happened? When he couldn’t bully me on the phone he showed up at our office.
The first time he remained fairly calm. He didn’t like my answers, he didn’t like that I would not comply with his demands, and he stormed out of the office. The second time he was there with his mother, and after a verbal exchange during which I had the person I work for on the phone and relayed his instructions, they stormed out of the office. But that wasn’t the end.
About thirty minutes later the abuser came back in alone. By this time another man was in the building but was not visible to the front office. The abuser was again trying to bully me, making demands, and didn’t like it when I refused to back down. He was escalating. He was getting louder and louder, and was puffing his body up to look bigger, more threatening. I told him to leave. He did not.
The abuser continued to escalate and the other man in the building heard it and came out to see what was going on. The abuser was told that he needed to leave, but instead took a step toward my “rescuer.” At that point he was told “You need to leave NOW.” The abuser turned and exited the building.
After he left I looked at my rescuer and said “I was holding my own okay” and he agreed that I was, but didn’t like the fact that the man was standing in the lobby yelling at me. He also felt threatened by the abuser’s body language, and wasn’t sure whether it would escalate into something more.
So what did I learn? That the abuser is nothing more than a bully. He didn’t like the fact that I was unwilling to cower and do what he demanded. He was trying to scare me. I refused to crumble and he didn’t know how to handle that. The second thing is he is a bully and a coward. He tries to control by instilling fear, and when he is unable to intimidate he doesn’t know what to do. When he took a step toward another man and that person didn’t back away, he realized he had no control and and things were not going to be in his favor so he turned and left.
Since that day I have been jumbling around in my brain the fact that women live with people like that on a daily basis, for years. Afraid to make a wrong move. They are beaten and then told it was their own fault for doing something to make the man mad. They are afraid to make a move, to have their husband/boyfriend find out they have gone somewhere or done something without his permission. They are controlled by fear.
That is no way to live. It is a serious problem. Songs are written about it. Movies have been done on it. Years ago a book and movie “The Burning Bed” brought abuse into the public eye. Songs continue to be written. Independence Day by Martina McBride and more recently Gunpowder and Lead by Miranda Lambert are only a couple. While I don’t condone killing someone, the lyrics to those songs convey the desperation and fear in abused women.
If you know someone who is being abused, or believe is being abused, they may deny or lie about it taking place. There are shelters they can contact to help them when they are ready to leave. The statistics are daunting.
What I learned in a quick internet search is that every nine seconds in the United States a woman is assaulted or beaten; and around the world at least one in every three women has been beaten, coerced into sex or otherwise abused in her lifetime. Children often witness the abuse, which can lead to a revolving cycle, both as men becoming abusers because they believe it to be “normal” and women being abused, because they believe that is the way all women are treated.
Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women, more than car accidents, muggings and rapes combined. Domestic violence occurs not just between husband and wife, but also in dating relationships, even in the teenage years. Nearly one in five teenage girls say they have had a boyfriend threaten violence if the girl broke off the relationship.
The problem is, often women don’t recognize the early signs of abuse. It can be verbal — demeaning comments, criticism, making the person feel they lack value. Once a person’s self-esteem has been crushed, they are more easily controlled.
It can be controlling, always demanding to know where that person is, presented as “concern” for their well-being. There is a difference between casual concern over a person’s well being, a courteous exchange of schedules/plans versus having to know where a person is every minute of the day, what they are doing and who they are with.
Whether is is you who is being abused or someone you know, remember:
1. It is not your fault that they are abusive, it is their’s.
2. Children who witness abuse are more likely to grow up to be an abuser or a victim.
3. There doesn’t have to be bruises for it to be abuse.
4. There are shelters that can take you and your children in when escaping an
abusive spouse
5. Abusers are bullies, and bullies don’t abuse people who refuse to cower,
because most bullies are themselves cowards.
Some people are only subjected to verbal abuse, some to physical abuse, some to both. There is a domestic violence hotline that can be accessed around the clock at 1−800−799−7233. There are local shelters that can take you in and keep you safe. No one should live in fear in their own home.
You approach the railroad crossing, the bars go down, you are stuck waiting for a very long train. What do you do? Do you grumble about the delay, check your cell phone while you wait, or do you enjoy the train? My six year old grandson is happy as a lark when you get stopped by a train, and the longer the better. It is exciting, there is the engine, all the different kinds of cars in multiple colors, shapes, some have graffiti, some don’t. They rumble and shake and make various sounds. Some go fast, some go slow. It is exciting to see the different things about each train and car. What a disappointment when the last car rolls by and the safety bars go back up, but if you are quick enough you can look down the track and see the train chugging away. A train through the eyes of a child.
A couple years ago my husband and I were in a restaurant that was quite busy and we had to wait for our table. I was looking around the restaurant and I mentioned to him that he and I looked very out of place. The reason being we were the only two people in the entire restaurant, both the dining and bar areas, who were not on our phones. We were talking to each other instead! That is sad….people are losing the human connection.
If you research racial injustice for the 1940’s you will find that the treatment of “Bigger” portrayed in the novel is a very accurate representation of the mindset during that era. Lynchings were common for anything and everything considered inappropriate. NAACP members campaigning to get those of African American decent the vote where removed from their homes and lynched. A 26-year old man was lynched for failing to address a police officer as “Mr.” If a white woman was attacked it was assumed that a black man had committed the crime and the “suspect” would often be captured and lynched. Justice did not prevail.
We have come a long way in the acceptance of others since the 1940’s when 
Ahhh you say, isn’t that the same thing as a resolution? Well, sort of, but it is a mind game for motivation. Which do you want to do? Which makes you feel that success is possible? You can only pick one of the following:
Eventually we get married, have children, and the fun starts again. This time we hold the magic and enjoy watching a child’s eyes sparkle with excitement when they talk about their Christmas wishes, Santa Clause and the fun of the holiday activities. We relive the magic through the eyes of our children.
If you have been a reader for a while you know that my husband, Ron, passed away December 7, 2015 and since that time I have been adjusting to living on my own. In reflecting on myself now, plans for the future and introspection of the past I have learned a few things.
Although I never paid attention to our finances and had no interest in knowing about them, I am perfectly capable of paying bills, applying for mortgage modifications, listing property for sale, and making decisions on financial assets. I’m not blindly doing what Ron told me to do as he was dying. I’m evaluating my own circumstances and making a decision that I feel comfortable with. My goal for the future is to learn how the stock market and investments work, to understand how to diversify and what everything means so I can make informed choices. Hopefully I will get a grasp on this within the next decade. I’m really walking in uncharted territory here.
What I have discovered is that it wasn’t the cooking I disliked, it was that Ron always had a criticism of some sort and tended to hover, questioning why I did things the way I did, telling me I should do things differently than I did. Nothing was ever quite good enough, there was always a “why didn’t you…” Basically, he thought I should cook just like him. After a while I tired of the negativity and simply walked away and left it to him. He cooked, I cleaned up, and it worked.
One couple and their four children arrived late for my wedding and followed my father and me down the aisle during the processional.
I am generally an on time person to slightly early person depending on what it is I am doing. I work extremely close to home and generally arrive on-the-dot for that. Other activities such as meetings I tend to arrive about 10 minutes in advance. When did I develop this habit? When I was a child. In grade school I was at the building on the playground long before the bell rang to go in. In Junior High (middle school) I was generally at the school about 15-30 minutes in advance, by high school I was there about an hour in advance, hanging with a group of other early arrivals. We had authorization to enter the library through the librarians door prior to it officially being opened. When I went back to college as an adult I was at the school at least 30 minutes prior to the start of class. By arriving at work 10 minutes prior to my work day it was once commented on how early I was. No, not early, on time!
The first time was when we had plans to go to dinner and were meeting at my house. I gave them a time of 6:45 pm, which would allow me to leave work at 6:00, get home and do the normal “arrive home” things of bringing in the mail, putting away my lunch containers, then change my clothes, touch up make-up, etc. So how did this go? When I was approaching my driveway at 6:15 their car was also signaling to turn into my drive. They were 30 minutes early! The greeting was even funnier. They exited their vehicle and said “are you late?” and I responded “No, you’re early.”
landing me in a trauma center for seventeen days, rehab for two months, and then a year of physical therapy and medical follow ups after that. Two of my granddaughters were taken by Child Protective Services and put into foster care. My husband and I applied to foster them and were denied, we later applied to adopt them and again CPS fought us and we lost. Both girls have been adopted by strangers.
I look at the list of things I have handled in the past few years and in my opinion have coped well with everything life has thrown at me. I have often felt that I have strong coping mechanisms but don’t really know why. I am baffled when people have one issue on their plate and are falling apart at the seams. I delved into the article hoping to discover what it is that makes one person successfully juggle a plethora of issues while another crumbles under the slightest amount of pressure.
downs of life and have difficulty coping you may want to read 
people I snatched it up immediately. It is so true in its most basic form. How do people become open-minded? Are they born that way? Is it the way in which they were raised? What makes one person open-minded and another close-minded?
I was reading Michelle’s post on Facebook yesterday. Many notes of sympathy and prayers. They know her, they know her husband Charlie, they know what a great couple and wonderful marriage they had. I, on the other hand, have not seen Michelle personally in years. We were together as children, but not as adults. We are in contact only by Facebook now. However, I can truly feel her pain.
So, now that I am over the hill and rolling down it toward 60 I need to keep a positive focus and concentrate on fully utilizing the young gene. My hair can turn gray…there are people that purposely put grey in their hair for accent. I can gradually switch over to glasses if needed, after all young people wear fun and trendy glasses all the time. I will regain mobility after my ankle fusion and should be back to normal by late next spring. Most importantly, I refuse to grow old. Old is a state of mind, and my mind is not going there.
