Three years ago, I made a decision to take legal action against a family member. I did this with the support of other family members. After exhausting all other options, a joint decision was made that I would be the “face” of the group, acting as the plaintiff when filing petitions.
The matter was resolved through mediation more than 14 months ago. A conversation with a family member on the opposing side at the end of the mediation left me with the hope of restoring the family relationship. Unfortunately, hope can die quickly when the other person is unwilling to let go of the past.
I am one of four cousins, and for years we have had an annual girls’ weekend. Three of us were willing to put the past behind us and move forward. No conversations, no explanations; just move forward and have a fun weekend. The person who was in attendance at the mediation was unwilling to do this.
She issued an ultimatum as a condition of getting together. No matter how much we told her it is in the past, let it go, she refused. She continued to push a false narrative about the situation. Because of her unreasonable demands, two cousins left the instant message conversation, one of them blocking her completely.
Realizing her ultimatum backfired, the person sent a message demanding three conditions be met to reconcile. Those conditions were a demand that the three of us not partake in actions that she, her family members, and her family have been taking for the past 14 months. This includes violating the terms of the mediation agreement.
The matter ended with my two cousins and I refusing to reconcile under her conditions. They do not understand her hostility toward me. None of us understand her claims that I am too angry to reconcile when she is the one unwilling to move forward. While my relationship with my two cousins is solid, it is sad that reconciliation with the remaining person seems impossible.
Following the exchange, I sent the person a private message stating that I had let the matter go following the mediation and that if she cannot agree everyone makes mistakes and we start with a clean slate, that is her problem, not mine. She is still angry and refuses to move forward. It is her choice to throw away family, not mine.
As of today, she has not opened that message. She sent one of the other cousins a message, stating she “knows” my message is a rehash of the problems and she cannot emotionally cope with reading it. Assumptions can be a person’s downfall.
My cousins have no interest in seeing her at this time. It is sad that one person’s bad behavior has caused such conflict in the family. Those of us suffering the greatest impact of that behavior are the ones willing to move forward.
A couple months ago, I was looking forward to a fun girls’ weekend and the restoration of our family relationship. Now it is shattered even more than before. Part of me still hopes the relationship can be restored, but part of me doesn’t care. She is unwilling to acknowledge the wrong done to the family and move forward, or she is in denial because she was a participant in the bad treatment of the family. I don’t know which.
The situation got me thinking about steps for restoring a relationship. I decided to do a bit of research. One of the key elements to letting go of the past is accepting what you cannot control. You must take accountability for your part in the situation and focus on the lessons learned from the experience. You should also consider the following:
HAS THE PAIN BECOME COMFORTABLE?
If people feel hurt for a lengthy period of time, they become accustomed to emotional pain. The pain becomes a familiar part of their identity, and they are unable to let it go. By staying angry at someone, they can remain distant and not deal with their true emotions.
To move past this point, they need to consider whether there are secondary benefits to staying focused on the hurt. Does staying angry help them avoid resolving emotional pain? Resolving pain requires facing the reality of it.
Consider how your life would be if you moved forward, leaving the past in the past. What would change if you took a different outlook on the situation?
FEEL THE PAIN TO MOVE PAST IT
By bottling up emotions and thoughts about the hurt, you prevent healing. This means the hurt builds inside you, and you continuously focus on it and the harm it caused. Constantly thinking about the hurt may impact your mood, relationships, and ability to be productive.
To move forward, consider journaling your feelings, writing a letter to the person who hurt you (sending it is optional), and expressing your feelings to a friend, relative, or therapist.
BE ACCOUNTABLE
Acknowledge your participation in the situation. By accepting your part in the problem, you can let it go and move your attention to the present. By holding onto your pain, resentment, and bad memories, you experience the pain repeatedly. This keeps you stuck in the past and unable to move forward.
Even if the event was not your doing, you can still acknowledge that it happened. You can choose to move forward by moving away from the past in your mind, living a life you want, away from the emotional pain.
FOCUS ON LESSONS LEARNED
Focus on the lessons learned from the hurtful event. Consider the things you now know that you do not want to happen again. Think about the coping skills you acquired as you faced the challenges.
Realize that everything passes with time, and this hurt will too. Identify the skills, strengths, and knowledge you obtained from this hurtful event.
LET GO OF THE “WHAT IFS”
Some people are unable to let go of the past because they need to constantly review the “what ifs” of the situation. They constantly wonder if things would be different if they had taken different steps.
They review the things they should have done, could have done, and what might have happened under those circumstances. This constant review will not fix anything. It only prevents you from moving forward and away from the hurt.
FORGIVE OTHERS
You are unable to regain trust unless you assume control of your emotions. You must forgive to obtain emotional freedom. Until you are able to acknowledge that everyone makes mistakes, you cannot overcome your anger and resentment.
A lack of openness is often the culprit that leads to a breakdown in the relationship. If the other person is unwilling to work toward repairing a relationship by being open and honest about the situation that caused the hurt, that is a reflection on them, not you.
BE AWARE OF GASLIGHTING
Gaslighting is a type of manipulation in a relationship. It uses a variety of techniques for the purpose of exerting control over another person. The aggressor in the relationship uses lies, trivializing, diverting, discrediting, denial, guilt, and more to create a false narrative.
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that is difficult to pick up on. Those who use it are good at side-stepping accountability. A person using this technique tries to convince other people that they are remembering things wrong or misinterpreting events. They try to manipulate others by presenting their own thoughts and feelings as the truth.
Some signs of gaslighting:
- Telling people you said something you didn’t say
- Claiming you didn’t say something you did.
- Lying when it is not necessary
- Cheating or acting in unethical ways
- Getting people to take your side to make you look better
- Getting the people on your side to turn against someone else
- Rarely taking responsibility for your mistakes
- Not apologizing for your mistakes
- Running hot and cold for no obvious reason
- Angering easily and/or starting fights to gain power
- Using a person’s weakness to hurt them or gain power over them
- Bullying and teasing, then saying you didn’t mean anything by it
- Insisting on a double standard—you can act one way, others must behave in another way
Gaslighting can happen in any type of relationship. It is a common form of emotional abuse in relationships using gender-based stereotypes and is a form of domestic abuse.
THE BOTTOM LINE
The brunt of my findings is that relationships can be restored, but only if all parties are willing to move forward. If one person holds onto their anger, until that person works through their own feelings and emotions, they will be unable to resolve the relationship and will remain estranged.
I travel out of state most of the year, so there is only a short period when I can reconnect in person. It is unfortunate that this person is unwilling to move forward. Her anger has made the situation worse. That is something I cannot fix. The ball is in her court. Time will tell whether her relationship with the three of us can ever be restored.
So what am I doing? I am going to downsize by sorting my belongings and accumulations of the past 36 years into keep and sell piles, and I am going to downsize out of my home and into something smaller and more manageable for me, both in upkeep and cost. I am changing financial advisors in the anticipation that my investments will provide me with better earnings for my retirement. I am going to forgo some of my activities and/or volunteer positions so that I have less commitments and more time to devote to things that I need or want to accomplish, such as the downsizing, running my photography business, and my writing.
I found this frustrating as he suffers from depression and I would wonder how he was doing. Then suddenly I would receive an email or message. There were always reasons for his disappearance…busy, kids, grandchildren, sickness, depression…but were they reasons, or excuses? In my opinion there is a fine line between the two, and I wasn’t quite sure on which side it fell. Things would improve for a bit but eventually would fall back into the old pattern.
--- LIFE IS A MELTING POT --- Grace Grogan...Writer, Photographer 