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Restoring Relationships

Three years ago, I made a decision to take legal action against a family member. I did this with the support of other family members.  After exhausting all other options, a joint decision was made that I would be the “face” of the group, acting as the plaintiff when filing petitions.

The matter was resolved through mediation more than 14 months ago. A conversation with a family member on the opposing side at the end of the mediation left me with the hope of restoring the family relationship. Unfortunately, hope can die quickly when the other person is unwilling to let go of the past.

I am one of four cousins, and for years we have had an annual girls’ weekend. Three of us were willing to put the past behind us and move forward. No conversations, no explanations; just move forward and have a fun weekend. The person who was in attendance at the mediation was unwilling to do this.

She issued an ultimatum as a condition of getting together. No matter how much we told her it is in the past, let it go, she refused. She continued to push a false narrative about the situation.  Because of her unreasonable demands, two cousins left the instant message conversation, one of them blocking her completely.

Realizing her ultimatum backfired, the person sent a message demanding three conditions be met to reconcile. Those conditions were a demand that the three of us not partake in actions that she, her family members, and her family have been taking for the past 14 months. This includes violating the terms of the mediation agreement.

The matter ended with my two cousins and I refusing to reconcile under her conditions. They do not understand her hostility toward me. None of us understand her claims that I am too angry to reconcile when she is the one unwilling to move forward. While my relationship with my two cousins is solid, it is sad that reconciliation with the remaining person seems impossible.

Following the exchange, I sent the person a private message stating that I had let the matter go following the mediation and that if she cannot agree everyone makes mistakes and we start with a clean slate, that is her problem, not mine. She is still angry and refuses to move forward. It is her choice to throw away family, not mine.

As of today, she has not opened that message. She sent one of the other cousins a message, stating she “knows” my message is a rehash of the problems and she cannot emotionally cope with reading it. Assumptions can be a person’s downfall.

My cousins have no interest in seeing her at this time. It is sad that one person’s bad behavior has caused such conflict in the family. Those of us suffering the greatest impact of that behavior are the ones willing to move forward.

A couple months ago, I was looking forward to a fun girls’ weekend and the restoration of our family relationship. Now it is shattered even more than before. Part of me still hopes the relationship can be restored, but part of me doesn’t care. She is unwilling to acknowledge the wrong done to the family and move forward, or she is in denial because she was a participant in the bad treatment of the family. I don’t know which.

The situation got me thinking about steps for restoring a relationship. I decided to do a bit of research. One of the key elements to letting go of the past is accepting what you cannot control. You must take accountability for your part in the situation and focus on the lessons learned from the experience. You should also consider the following:

HAS THE PAIN BECOME COMFORTABLE? 

If people feel hurt for a lengthy period of time, they become accustomed to emotional pain. The pain becomes a familiar part of their identity, and they are unable to let it go. By staying angry at someone, they can remain distant and not deal with their true emotions.  

To move past this point, they need to consider whether there are secondary benefits to staying focused on the hurt. Does staying angry help them avoid resolving emotional pain? Resolving pain requires facing the reality of it.

Consider how your life would be if you moved forward, leaving the past in the past. What would change if you took a different outlook on the situation?

FEEL THE PAIN TO MOVE PAST IT

By bottling up emotions and thoughts about the hurt, you prevent healing. This means the hurt builds inside you, and you continuously focus on it and the harm it caused. Constantly thinking about the hurt may impact your mood, relationships, and ability to be productive.

To move forward, consider journaling your feelings, writing a letter to the person who hurt you (sending it is optional), and expressing your feelings to a friend, relative, or therapist.

BE ACCOUNTABLE

Acknowledge your participation in the situation. By accepting your part in the problem, you can let it go and move your attention to the present. By holding onto your pain, resentment, and bad memories, you experience the pain repeatedly. This keeps you stuck in the past and unable to move forward.

Even if the event was not your doing, you can still acknowledge that it happened. You can choose to move forward by moving away from the past in your mind, living a life you want, away from the emotional pain.

FOCUS ON LESSONS LEARNED

Focus on the lessons learned from the hurtful event. Consider the things you now know that you do not want to happen again. Think about the coping skills you acquired as you faced the challenges.

Realize that everything passes with time, and this hurt will too. Identify the skills, strengths, and knowledge you obtained from this hurtful event.

LET GO OF THE “WHAT IFS”

Some people are unable to let go of the past because they need to constantly review the “what ifs” of the situation. They constantly wonder if things would be different if they had taken different steps.

They review the things they should have done, could have done, and what might have happened under those circumstances. This constant review will not fix anything. It only prevents you from moving forward and away from the hurt.

FORGIVE OTHERS

You are unable to regain trust unless you assume control of your emotions. You must forgive to obtain emotional freedom. Until you are able to acknowledge that everyone makes mistakes, you cannot overcome your anger and resentment.

A lack of openness is often the culprit that leads to a breakdown in the relationship. If the other person is unwilling to work toward repairing a relationship by being open and honest about the situation that caused the hurt, that is a reflection on them, not you.

BE AWARE OF GASLIGHTING

Gaslighting is a type of manipulation in a relationship. It uses a variety of techniques for the purpose of exerting control over another person. The aggressor in the relationship uses lies, trivializing, diverting, discrediting, denial, guilt, and more to create a false narrative.

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that is difficult to pick up on. Those who use it are good at side-stepping accountability. A person using this technique tries to convince other people that they are remembering things wrong or misinterpreting events. They try to manipulate others by presenting their own thoughts and feelings as the truth.

Some signs of gaslighting:

  • Telling people you said something you didn’t say
  • Claiming you didn’t say something you did.
  • Lying when it is not necessary
  • Cheating or acting in unethical ways
  • Getting people to take your side to make you look better
  • Getting the people on your side to turn against someone else
  • Rarely taking responsibility for your mistakes
  • Not apologizing for your mistakes
  • Running hot and cold for no obvious reason
  • Angering easily and/or starting fights to gain power
  • Using a person’s weakness to hurt them or gain power over them
  • Bullying and teasing, then saying you didn’t mean anything by it
  • Insisting on a double standard—you can act one way, others must behave in another way

Gaslighting can happen in any type of relationship. It is a common form of emotional abuse in relationships using gender-based stereotypes and is a form of domestic abuse.

THE BOTTOM LINE

The brunt of my findings is that relationships can be restored, but only if all parties are willing to move forward. If one person holds onto their anger, until that person works through their own feelings and emotions, they will be unable to resolve the relationship and will remain estranged.

I travel out of state most of the year, so there is only a short period when I can reconnect in person. It is unfortunate that this person is unwilling to move forward. Her anger has made the situation worse. That is something I cannot fix. The ball is in her court. Time will tell whether her relationship with the three of us can ever be restored.

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Filed under assumptions, communication, Coping, decisions, Family, friendship, impressions, Life is a Melting Pot, sisters

Not Smart Enough

Imagine back to when you were in the 8th grade, about 14 years old. You must make a decision that impacts the balance of your time in school. You can take a vocational program, which you attend to grade 12, or a university prep program, which you attend to grade 13.

Once you make your decision, you cannot change to the other program. Now, consider being that 8th grade boy and before you make that decision your school principal informs you that you aren’t “smart enough” for college, so you better go vocational.

That is the way school in Owen Sound, Ontario, Canada was in the mid-late 1950s when Paul Cannon attended. He followed the advice of his principal. The question is, after hearing the principal’s assessment of his abilities, what did Paul do with his life?

The Teen Years

Paul was not afraid of water, and unbeknownst to his mother he and his friends would climb Inglis Falls in the summer. This was the largest of the four waterfalls in town and has a 59-foot cascade. I’ve seen in the fall with a slow flow of water. It is huge! 

Inglis Falls in Owens Sound, Ontario, Canada
Inglis Falls in Owens Sound, Ontario
Photo by Grace Grogan

When Paul was about 14-15 years old he became certified as both a swim instructor and a lifeguard. He worked as a lifeguard at the community pool and taught swimming to adults and children both there and at the YMCA.

Paul was interested in science and technology, and around age 16 he and three friends learned about an Army surplus store in Toronto selling non-working ham radios for parts. The store had ten radios, and they purchased them all. The intent was to build two or three operating ham radios from the parts, and they did!

Paul and his friends had fun communicating on the radios for about a year. None of the teens had taken the required test to become licensed ham radio operators so were broadcasting illegally. An officer tracked them down and removed the tubes, rendering the radios inoperable.  Years later as an adult Paul took the test and became a licensed ham operator.

Paul always had an interest in aviation and was a cadet in the Civil Air Patrol (CAP) in Canada growing up. The group’s intent was to introduce 12-19 year old students to flight. As a CAP cadet, Paul received education regarding citizenship, leadership, physical fitness and general aviation. In Canada today one out of every five pilots is an ex-air cadet and 67% of commercial airline pilots began as air cadets.

Bush Pilot

When Paul was 16-17 years old he got a summer job working for a bush pilot in a nearby town. That first summer Paul performed miscellaneous jobs and ran errands. When the summer ended the owner told Paul if he returned the following year the owner would teach Paul to fly.

Paul returned and became a bush pilot, flying a Beaver pontoon plane. Bush pilots fly in remote areas, and Paul’s job was to deliver supplies to cabins in the wilderness. You have probably seen this in movies where a plane lands on a body of water, docking near a cabin to leave supplies.

All pilots must learn how to read the weather, and because pontoon pilots land on water, they must also evaluate the water’s surface before touching down. Accommodations must be made for wind direction, the direction and speed of the current, and any obstacles that may affect their landing. Once on the water the pilot must follow all marine rules.

On one flight Paul was landing to leave supplies at a not-yet occupied cabin when the engine on his plane blew. Oil splattered the windshield and the plane stopped before he was near shore. Pontoon planes must carry a paddle for this type of situation. Paul shut down all systems on the plane, then climbed out to sit on one of the pontoons, straddling it like a horse. Paul then paddled his way to shore. If you think rowing a boat is difficult, try an airplane! 

There was no radio communication, so Paul unloaded the supplies into the cabin and hunkered down for the night. His boss had expected him back before dark, so when Paul didn’t return the owner went out the next morning, flying Paul’s route. When he spotted Paul’s plane, he touched down so see what was going on. Paul already had the cowling off the plane, but neither Paul nor his boss had the tools or knowledge to repair the engine.   

Beaver Pontoon Airplane
Beaver Pontoon Airplane
Photo by Grace Grogan

The owner said he would be back, and when he landed the second time he was accompanied by a mechanic and tools. The owner left Paul and the mechanic to work on the engine. The two spent another night at the cabin before repairs were complete. The plane Paul flew only had one seat, the pilot’s. Once the repairs were complete, the mechanic strapped himself onto the top of a cargo box in the plane and rode back with Paul.

Bush pilots are required to carry a bush pilot’s rifle because situations such as the one above or an unanticipated stop in the wilderness can put you in danger. If Paul was flying his route and saw severe weather ahead, he would land the plane and beach it. Using ropes he would tie the plane to trees to secure it during the storm. When performing these tasks, he always had to be on the lookout for bear.

Paul continued working as a bush pilot for a year after graduating high school, then left for Toronto to attend college.

Radio College           

Radio College of Toronto, Ontario trained students in electronic engineering technology and had a focus on tubes and digital electronics. Electronics technology was the wave of the future in the early 1960s.

While Paul was attending college, he lived in a boarding house with 17 other men. They were housed two to a room, with no locks on the room doors. The home was run by a single woman who ran a tight ship. She made all beds every day and washed the sheets once a week.

Board included breakfast and dinner Monday thru Friday. Paul quickly learned that when sharing a table with a large group of men there were no second helpings. You better get a sufficient amount the first time a dish went around the table. Lunch and weekends boarders were on their own for meals, but could use the kitchen and food she had as long as they cleaned up afterwards. This was a very different type of living than Paul had growing up as an only child.

One evening Paul and his roommate heard a knock on their door, which immediately flew open and in rushed the landlady. She didn’t say anything but hurried over and threw open the window, reached into her pocket to grab a pair of scissors and reached out. The next thing Paul heard was glass breaking on the sidewalk below. Apparently one of the borders owed the landlady money, and she suspected he might try to slip out. By cutting the string to the bundle of belongings the border was lowering from his third-story window, the landlady made it clear she knew what he was up to. No one knows if she collected the money owed her or just enjoyed a bit of revenge.

Paul rode the streetcar to and from college, and sometimes hitch hiked his way back to Owen Sound on weekends to visit his parents. If living in a boarding house and using public transportation bus wasn’t enough of a challenge, Paul was doing this on crutches. Paul played B-Team Hockey and did competition ski jumping. Unfortunately, he landed a jump wrong, breaking his ankle.

Paul quickly learned that in a time of need, crutches make a great weapon. One day Paul got off the streetcar and some guy, thinking he had one-up on Paul, knocked Paul’s books out of his hands. Paul may have been a bit disabled, but not unarmed. He swung one of his crutches around and clobbered the guy. A police officer saw the exchange, came over to pick up Paul’s books and make sure he was okay. When Paul left the scene his attacker was in the back of a police vehicle.

Using city transportation when dating was something Paul learned could be difficult. On one date Paul took a girl out, then escorted her home, staying to visit until about midnight. Big mistake!  When he got to the bus stop he had missed the last bus in that area, so he walked down to the next line, just in time to miss the last subway of the night. He ended up walking all night to get back to the boarding house. Thank goodness it happened on a Friday night, and he was able to sleep when he arrived there the next morning.

Work and Electronics

After graduating from Radio College, Paul took a position installing and repairing x-ray machines throughout Canada. This took him into every Canadian province, a position that nurtured his love of travel and photography. His goal was to emigrate into the United States, work his way west and eventually end up in Australia. He didn’t make it past Michigan.

Immigration into the United States took about a year. Paul needed to find a job that would hold the position for six months while he completed the immigration process. He was about 23 when he got his first job in Michigan doing the same thing as in Canada. Paul was living the bachelor’s life, driving a convertible and working in hospitals throughout the tri-state area of Michigan, Ohio, and Indiana, where there was plenty of female staff to date.

Many people do not realize that immigrants must register for the draft six months after they become permanent U.S. residents. Paul registered during the Vietnam era and knew how to fly the same type of plane being used in the war. Each year he was obligated to check in at the military office, and each time he met new criteria for a waiver so was never drafted.

Career Change

Paul was talking with an electrician and learned they made more money than Paul  was in the electronics field. Paul purchased code books and studied to become an electrician. Though not licensed, he got a job working for Morgan Electric. When a client requested a special electrical job, Paul volunteered for the assignment. The client was impressed with Paul’s work and offered him a job working for their company.

Paul made the job change. Always looking to advance, Paul later applied and got a job in skilled trades as an electrician at the Ford River Rouge plant. Unfortunately the plant did layoffs before Paul had 90 days in.

Needing work and the economy being bad, Paul took a job working on an ambulance. It was on-the-job training, they were not paramedics. The crew would perform basic first aid and transport patients to hospitals. This was during the 1967 Detroit riots and runs were often into dangerous areas. It wasn’t all bad though.

One run was to Governor Romney’s home. The governor’s wife had fallen and injured herself, requiring an ambulance transport. Paul also delivered two babies during his time on the ambulance. One laboring woman looked at him and said, “it’s my first” and he responded, “mine too.” 

When Paul’s father notified him Pittsburgh Glass Works was opening a plant in Owen Sound and needed skilled trades workers, Paul applied and was the first electrician hired. He moved back to Owen Sound and lived there for two years. The glass plant job gave him experience in trouble shooting factory machinery, which would pay off later.

When the economy improved Paul moved back to Michigan and took a position at Allied Chemical in Mount Clemens. An electrical inspector saw his work and volunteered to sponsor Paul for taking his journeyman’s test. You cannot take this test until you have verification of 10 years of experience working as an electrician and a sponsor. Paul passed the test and immediately began studying for his master’s license.

You must work as a journeyman for a minimum of two years before taking your master’s exam. When Paul reached the qualification period he took the test and became a master electrician. Paul then started his own electrical contracting business, Trojan Electric. This electrical contract work was in addition to his full-time employment. His business was lucrative enough to necessitate employing a work crew.

While working at Allied Chemical in Mt. Clemens, Paul saw an ad for skilled trades at the Ford Motor Company Paint Plant. Paul applied and went into Ford as a re-hire. He remained at Ford as an electrician in skilled trades for the balance of his working life, retiring out of the Ford Utica Trim plant.

Back to Flying

After Paul immigrated into the United States, he checked into getting his pilot’s license. The bush pilot Paul worked for never had him keep a pilot’s logbook, so there was no record of his time in the air. Paul had to start over. Lessons were easy because he knew how to fly, he just had to master landing on solid ground.

Pilots must learn navigation and weather patterns, plus cloud types and cloud levels for flight. Paul can look down the road when driving and recognize rain that is coming down but not reaching the ground. He can also see it ahead and predict the time the vehicle will drive into it. Navigational training allows him to know the direction he is driving based on the sun.

Paul purchased his own plane, a Cessna 177 RG (RG means retractable gear) and served as an adult member on the Civil Air Patrol (CAP). The Civil Air Patrol is an Auxiliary of the U.S. Air Force that was founded in 1941 to mobilize civilian aviation resources for the national defense.

Cessna 177 RC
Cessna 177 RG
Photo obtained off Internet

Paul underwent training in CAP to fly both counter drug operations and search and rescue. He enjoyed his time working on missions, which often ran one to two weeks at a time. He also volunteered his time working with CAP cadets, taking them up in his plane for a ride or assisting at special cadet outings. The CAP has the same officer ranks as the Air Force, and by the time Paul retired from service he had achieved the rank of Major.

Paul’s love of aeronautics led him to volunteer his time at the air show held each year in Oshkosh, Wisconsin. He worked in the sound center manning the sound control for the music and announcers during the air show. This required balancing the voice and music, plus timing the music for the air acrobatics of the plane.

Paul learned to be prepared for the unexpected. A woman was narrating her husband’s performance when his plane crashed. Her reaction was a blood-curdling scream into the microphone. Paul immediately cut the sound.

Paul enjoyed his time at the air show, meeting celebrities and working with pilots to time their music to their performance. It was a week of both work and fun, affording him full access to the air show grounds.

In His Free Time

When Paul was ready to move out of the city, he purchased five acres of property in St. Clair, Michigan and built a home. Paul was the contractor for the job. He ran all electrical wiring in the home and finished the interior. This included building the staircase leading to the second floor and installing all kitchen cabinets and countertops. He did this while working full-time at Ford Motor Company and running Trojan Electric.

In addition to volunteering his time with CAP, Paul participated in a computer club and remains a member of the Blue Water Shutterbugs Camera Club. Paul served as treasurer in both clubs. His photographs are sold on Alamy and Fine Art America, and for several years he sold them in fine art shows. Paul spent several years teaching photography, originally in a classroom setting, then one-on-one. He customized lessons to fit his student’s needs, including how to operate a camera, how to take better photographs, and how to process photos in Photoshop.

Paul Cannon now lives and travels throughout the United States and Canada in a 35-foot motorhome, towing a Jeep Rubicon. I am lucky to be living and traveling with him on his latest adventures. We enjoy visiting new places and navigating off-road trails. We produce videos of our adventures and share them on our YouTube Channel, Rolling Thru North America, Travel With US!

Not Smart Enough?

Can you imagine if Paul had only been “smart enough” for college what he might have done with his life? Maybe it is a good thing he did not attend a 4-year college. Paul may have not been ‘smart enough” in his principal’s eyes, but what he has accomplished in his 78 years of life has been diverse and interesting.

Writer’s Note:  This was originally written entirely from memory based on information I garnered from Paul over the past six years. After publication Paul read the above and advised me of some minor corrections needing to be made. Those changes have been made and the writing is now accurate.

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